Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder is a scary diagnosis. The first thing that comes to mind is "Multiple Personality Disorder", I know I thought the first time I heard it. I personally think that they should change the name to "Emotional Regulation Disorder" But then again "ERD" sounds stupid too. At any rate, when Borderline Personality Disorder was first coined, they used the term "Borderline" because the individual "bordered" psychotic and neurotic.

As a BPD myself, something in that term "psychotic and neurotic" bugged me, it lacked the humaness of the disorder. Seriously, I just didn't connect with that. I know I am not a psycho, but when I am scared or angry, I do act psycho. Does that make sense. Ahh... hence the complexities of this disorder.

For the most part BPD's are functional people. From the outside they seem happy and chipper. And quite honestly they are. But there is this underlining "feeling" that a BPD has, something is amiss. It's behind closed doors, when they are most vulnerable to their own feelings. It scares them to be "alone" as if they do not exsist, unless someone is near. For me, I drew upon others feelings to somehow feel "real" And when I was alone, there was no one there to do that for me.

It's physically painful for a BPD experiencing "aloneness". I was paralyzed, I felt like I was a video placed on pause. Deep down I knew that something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. My heart throbbed this wierd fuzzy energy that overflowed into my stomach. I couldn't think, I lost all motivation to move. I was so extremely scared of the feeling of being alone, I'd do anything to muffle its effects on me.

Filling myself up from someone elses energy was how I did it. Which meant I'd do anything to stay near people. I was a parasite, for lack of a better word, draining the life out of people. But I didn't know it at the time. I thought I was just being a "good person"

If you were my friend, I'd listen intentively to every word you said, making note of your favorites and dislikes. I would wear myself weary doing everything to give you what you want and make sure nothing you hated came near you. In exchange, I needed to see you "happy" and then I'd be happy. Without that connection between the two of us, I'd punish you.

And oh how I'd punish you. Attacking you personally, throwing tantrum, because I thought that this was the way I'd express my feelings- somewhere in my conscious I thought that you would know something was wrong. In my head it went something like this " Normally, I am not this horrible, I am good, I give away everything I can to make them happy, why can't they remember what I did? Why can't the see Jenn is calling out for help, because she's normally not like this.Let me help her" Nope, no one got it- of course who is a mind reader. Each attempt to call out for help was left unaided.

I would think "I must be so unimportant, so invisible that I am not worth saving. I should just die."

But I didn't want to die

Nah-ah, I wanted the pain to die- to stop, GO AWAY.

Emotional pain, now that's worse that physical pain. It makes no sense, there is no wound to attend to, no tylenol to ease it. It simple just festers. Most non-BPD's know how to deal with emotional pain, they've got coping skills to comfort themselves. Sadly for a BPD, as the pain increases, it becomes like an infection within them, it begins to corrupt the rest of their lives.

A BPD will do anything to counter act emotional pain- physical pain is not a factor- actually its a relief- matching the pain on the inside to what's on the outside. And when destroying ourselves didn't help- we resort to suicide.

Temporary relief comes when those a BPD loves runs to their aid when they are attempting to injure themselves or suicide. To a BPD it means the world. Unfortunately, it's not healthy, period, for the BPD or the Non. Accidental death is a reality. Draining our non-BPD is also a reality.

Ultimately, to help a BPD is to help them recognize that the behaivor is not healthy for them, and to also spot the feelings before the behavior. Emotional validation is very important as well, simply saying to a BPD, "I understand you are hurting, I can see how that hurt you." May ease the emotional suffering, just enough that they can get a handle on themselves. Understanding someone's feelings is not admitting right or wrong. It's just understanding. Believe me when I say BPD's know that they are acting irrationally, but what they can't get over is the feeling.

The BPD must learn coping skills on their own. To learn how to soothe themselves, encourage and believe in themselves, it's vital. They need to make healthy connections within themselves. Once they learn that, the demand on others to "feel" for them lessens. I am not saying leave a BPD, but support them to find it in themselves, in a loving way.

When my husband heard I was BPD, he left me with four kids. )Abandonment at it's finest wouldn't you say), he read that I was a helpless case- incurable. Everything he read, told him in affect to "run for the hills," and he did so. I don't blame him, by the time I was diagnosed, I was irrational and violent for a whole year. I'd drain him.

I wouldn't suggest staying in an unhealthy relationship, if the BPD continues abusive and violent behaviors, and is not working towards recovery. But if they are consider supporting them. A non-BPD in a relationship with a BPD does not have to endure abuse, period. Firm but loving boundaries should be in place for the non's safety.

In my case, the moment I was diagnosed, I did everything I could to work towards recovery: medication, therapy, group, DBT, in and out patient. I researched everything about BPD.

Understanding BPD moves us towards recovery. I read and re-read all 9 dsm criteria and cross refferenced them with my own patterns. I had to be brutally honest about my behaviors. It sucked. But think of it like this: it's a wanted picture- a description of every behavior you don't want or is extremely unhealthy to you and those you love. Once you know what BPD looks like, you can spot it out in a crowd, and nip the behavior in the butt.

Once, I had memoriezed all the horrible crap I had done. I was able to internalize the big question: "WHY"- Why did I do that? Most likely a set of feelings present themselves- because "I was angry." could be an answer. This is where accepting the feeling or understanding it comes heavily into play, right along with the event in question. "I was angry that he came home late, so I threw a plate at him." A BPD must accept the angry or whatever the feeling was. "It's understandable to feel angry."

Here's where the hard work seriously comes in, the switch- read carefully and see if you get it... "It's understandable that I feel angry that he came home late, that's normal, but is throwing a plate at him is that acceptable behavior?" Did you see it????

Understanding the feeling and acceptable behavior.

An easy way to think of this is "The message is important, but so is the delivery of the message."

It is possible to convey your feelings without being your feelings.

You non-Bpd's- nothing cuts into a BPD like invalidating them. "You are making mountains out of mole hills.", "There's nothing to be upset about." Actually, it makes matters worse.

There is a reason that they are BPD, over years they have learned to not trust themselves- to feel what you feel, but when their own feelings are so overwhelming that they can avoid them (if they could avoid it they would)- telling them that their feelings don't count is so painful, it justifies their feeling of invisibility. A BPD thinks how can you tell me that I shouldn't "feel" this way, but I DO!

Recovery is a long and hard process, but it is well worth the effort. Mindfulness, Acceptance, and Balance are some of the keys to unlock the door to recovery. But you gotta start somewhere.





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