Acceptance Is Key

Some say that we should forget our past, some try really hard to do so, and then some by sure genious of the mind totally forget traumatic events, all if this in order to survive.
As in my case, my sense of memory and forgetfulness is shakey. I can remember vividly things that happened years ago, be it good or bad. Then there are times when my efforts double in trying to remember how things feel. But feelings of happiness or sadness are intense and fleeting to me. One moment I am the happiest woman in the world then in a blink of an eye my world turns black and white and cold. I forget what happiness feels like and I become this shivering little girl. lost among thorns.

I am convinced that intense feelings last but for a few beats of a humming bird’s wings, yet they FEEL like an eternity. Much like a flash of a camera that stuns my vision. The bright light last only a fraction of a second but a bright light is stuck in my view for minutes after. Annoying isnt it?

These flash bang feelings of mine are so complex. Intertwined amongst whatever triggered the initial feeling is a plethera of rebel feelings that make no sense yet feel right. Shame, confusion, desperation, fear, and abandonment are but a few aphids that pepper the garden of my life. Unnoticable to the naked eye spying beautiful roses, however, upon closer inspection you find these tiny little parasites eating away at the blossoms.

Recently, I’ve felt both good and bad.

I’ve met a great guy who I like but I wasnt totally myself that first night we met. So instead of enjoying the wonderful night we spent together, I was plagued with shame and decite. Over and over again I kept feeling like a bad person. Until I fessed up to him and told him who I was. The funny thing is he did exactly what I didnt expect him to do. He accepted me for me.
That’s the thing, these flash bang feelings are the stumbling block to me accepting myself. I can’t I don’t know why. It’s not for a lack of understanding the good in me. It feels as if during those bright moments of flashes all my negative aspects of me are enhanced. They make no sense, I know I am not perfect but seeing all these serrated edges of mine exposed and glistening in the light, makes me uneasy. I am stumped.

Crystal says that one big turn off to a guy or anyone for that matter is insecurity. Which I think shows its appearence during the flash bangs. Truly, I am not a insecure person, okay not all the time. But rather I am in an altered state a few moments after the unsettling flash. Much like that feeling after spinning round and round then stopping abruptly and landing on the ground. It makes no sense-- you know you are no longer physically spinning but it still feels like the world is spinning. The unbalanced feeling combined with fuzzy dizzy perceptions makes you laugh and feel sick all at the same time. Ah..... welcome to my world.

My disability to feel proportionate to the circumstance has hampered the way that I live. I love when I feel elated and dread when the high evaporates. I detest the feelings of angst and the fact that time seems to drag during these periods. Somedays I am frozen in fear and refuse to move because I dread either happy or sad feelings.

Realizing that part of this phenomena stems directly from my past, helps me to understand what is going on. The labels of my odd diagnosis sounds like a foreign language alphabet... PTSD, BPD, and so on so forth are all physical manifestations of my past.

The cunning way the mind seeks to protect itself and its will to survive. Without us even knowing it, the grey matter within our skulls creates awesome electrical changes to promote survival. Chemically hardwired we all are due to what has happened to us in the past effects the present and the future.

Yet, at the same time our mind plays tricks on us or is it society?????

There is that belief that any mental disorder can be overcame with sure will power. However, one must understand that will power is birthed from the same electo-chemical substances that are already hardwired without our choice. So it seems that believing in the force of will power to overcome is like a dog chasing its tail.

Accepting and celebrating the wonderful capabilities of the brain is a good start to wellness. Its something I do on a moment to moment basis. Accepting that some feelins are automatic and hardwired helps to ride the waves of uncertain emotions. Accepting and believing that I will survive at the end of a tsunami gives me small shards of hope. These strands are just enough to hold onto when I am overwhelmed with flash bang feelings.

If not, I know that I have made some places and met some people in my life that are safe enough for me to lose it around or just plain freeze up like an ice statue. The key was acceptance-- accepting people who I was able to accept myself around that made all the difference in my life today.