Dear Non,

Hello my friend, we meet because you have a loved one who has been diagnosed or exhibits symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. As a recovering BPD, I remember what it was like during the depths of my BPD crisis. For me its been a year since I have experienced any of the Nine DSM-VI criteria. I know how hard it was for all those around me. Some left me and some stayed. To those who left, I understand why and to those who stay- I am eternally grateful.

So you are here trying to figure out what to do with your BPD loved one. Its much like the Clash song "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" You look over at this person they look very familiar to the person you love but then again there are these times where out of the blue they turn into a raging madman. They call out to you to help them and then get angry when you get to close. Believe I know how tiring it is. Its just as tiring being the raging madman.

You wanna know what going through the madman's head. Deep emotional pain--- that cannot be compared physically. Irrational fear of real abandonement. I knew the way I was acting was chaotic, but I couldnt stop it. The pain emitted throughout my body from a throbbing hole inside my soul. I couldn't show people exactly where it hurt. I was driven crazy... there WAS pain...I felt it...but everyone kept telling me it was I was over reacting. The problem was I could not soothe myself. I relied on everyone to soothe me. I did not know how to feel without external validation. How does that happen? Years and years of invalidating relationships. Abuse so extreme that the mind learns to severe itself from the body.

Its a parasitic relationship...the BPD needs you to feel like they exist. You walk away for a moment and they feel like they've disappeared. Seconds to you seem like an eternity to them. It's painful for them. For me I felt as if I was a walking open sore... raw and sensative to even the slightest emotion touch.

Should you stay or should you go???? Well that depends, I don't believe that BPD's are hopeless cases that should be locked away forever. But on the other hand, if your BPD is working towards recovery and healthy behaviors I recommend distance. That doesnt mean that the distance should be permanent. The truth is you need to take care of you. If the BPD is abusive-- stay out of harms way.

If your BPD is working at recovery, you still need to take care of you. But you need to come up with a game plan on how to live healthy. Make sure that they are in some type of therapy and/or seeing a Doctor. Its important that they take their medication. Think of it not as behavior control but HELP, to take the edge off of what they are feeling. Learn new coping skills--- for both of you. Marsha Linehan's Dialetical Behavior Therapy has a wealth of coping skills that will help the BPD mature and learn to soothe themselves. And you also learn new things as well.

Set healthy boundaries. What are healthy boundaries?
*Emotional and physical space between you and another person
* Acknowledgement that each of you are individuals with individual needs and wants, likes and dislikes
*The ability to allow, disallow, accept or deny negative or positive influence that impact you without fear of punishment from others.
*A two way street of respect given difference in opinion in a relationship
* A freedom to be the real you with healthy behaviors without fear of alienation
*Balance and Acceptance of emotional and physical limits set on interacting with others and remaining independant in a interdependant relationship.

Even God says "No." It has to be understood that by saying "No" to a BPD does not mean you dont love them. If you cannot do what the BPD request... calmly explain that you are unable and that it is possible for them to rescue themselves. Reassure them that you will be at the other end cheering them on. It is extremely important that the BPD learns that they will survive the impending sense of doom that they feel. They need to learn to feel REAL on their own.

Validate, validate, validate their feelings. I am not asking you to agree with them and admit that they are right on some issues. Instead look at the situation from their point of view. In BPD moments they are the equivalent to an emotional toddler in a grown body. What seems innocent and not scary to you...may be totally terrifying for the BPD... I've learned to talk to those feelings on my own...but in the beginning my sister who was my support then would talk to me over the phone saying, "Its understandable you feel like that but what can you do to deal with situation that is healthy? Its not understandable that you feel its okay to act out in this way because you feel scared or angry."

That's it for now, I've got four kids who wanna go to Chuck E Cheeses' YAY!

IF you have any questions don't hesitate to send me an email, I am glad to help.

Jenn