How To Urge Surf

Face it we all have "urges." Having an urge does not mean that we are dysfunctional or broken somehow, no matter how odd the urge is. For me urges seep up from out of nowhere and overtake my common sense. It feels like I am being filled with warm urgent water. Slushing around inside me and in a bad need of release. Way back when it seemed I was led by my urges. I possesed no control over them. There were urges to please in order to keep my loved ones near. Defensive and offensive urges that kept me safe from ill precieved harm. Dr. Feel Good Urges that led me around like a donkey with a carrot dangling in front of me.





When I was in particular amounts of angst and anger these urges would rage inside me. I literally could not see straight. In retrospect, I think I didn't even think about them, they had become a force of their own. And I always ended up victimizing myself. Secretly I hoped that others would "rescue" me from myself. I felt whole and loved if someone would swoop down on eagles wings and take me to a warm and safe place.





How can one learn to surf the urge?





First and foremost, one needs to recognize an urge when its coming. For me there are distinct symptoms I feel... its surreal the world seems just a bit off kilter. From underneath my skin I feel a warm tingly sensation. The longer I prolong satisfying an urge the minutes seem to stretch into eternity. My physical sensations are on a heighten alert. I am repeated thinking about the act of the urge as if I am stuck on a broken record.





I know how hard it is to not act upon an urge. It can sap the life out of you just fighting not to do it. It's like trying to ignore an elephant in your bedroom, impossible. The one way I've learned to deal with these unruly urges is to change my mindset about them. Perspective-perspective-perspective.



This too shall pass, my mantra. There has yet to be a feeling, thought, or circumstance that I've experienced that hasn't passed by me. Granted sometimes it feels like forever and it seems that I might not make it. But that in itself is the key to remember... it is not FOREVER... You WILL survive. Take a truthful look back at your past- given the fact you are able to look back means you survived whatever it was that urged you before.

When I first heard the term "urge surf" I found it funny. Waves, peaks, highs, and lows--riding them without drowning. In my minds eye, all of the conflict, misery and pain was combined into one hell of a tsunami wave. And I wasn't a surfer but a villager thrown violently and unwillingly into the chaos of it all.

Here's one disclaimer to surfer the urge... it helps to be practicing some form of meditation in order to help focus rampant thoughts and feelings. One cannot surf an urge without the ability to watch their mental horizon. Especially if there is tsumnami like waves headed your way. Meditation helps you to steer clear of old habits and thoughts and keep you focused on your goal.

I can feel an urge creep up ---nasty feelings well up in me. And all my urges boil down to fighting or fleeing a feeling or thought. Before learning new coping skills I floundered in the tide of my urges and most likely ended up drowning in shame and hurt.

I personally have never hopped on a sleek longboard, paddled into to ocean deep, watched the waves lap into shore. Waiting until the big one wells up ahead of me. Frantically paddling into the wall of water. At break neck speeds jumping on top of thin wood with no seatbelts or airbags to protect me. Only to come crashing down and sinking into the undertoe and current that can smack you unto coral or rock. Hmmmm sound more like emotionally I have. Yup that was me...wreckless barreling into dangerous emotional highs and then damaging lows. To me that was what surfing the urge meant then.

Urge surfing takes coping skills. They are your surf board that keeps you afloat. The more skills the better buoyant you are. Well practiced coping skills are your best bet in surviving the waves from within us.

Okay lets just say you're having a pretty crappy day. You haven't gotten out of bed or taken care of your personal needs. After a few hours of trolling the internet on your laptop from your bed you find yourself looking at your ex's "friendspacester" page. There are pics of the ex's new lavish life without you. Parties- new friends- and all around general happiness seep of the page. You wish this person were miserable like you...in bed smelling like yesterday's laundry. Warm fuzzy feelings burn underneath your skin. There's a huge hole from your chest to your stomach and its throbbing in pain. In your mind you're going over and over those last moments when your ex left...its all your fault you think to yourself. The pain gets unbearable but there is no outside wound to patch up and heal. You want the pain to end but where do you begin????

Soon enough you've come up with a list of last ditch efforts to stop the chaos raging inside. All of them designed to match the inside pain with an outside marker. Make the pain go away that's the plan. Your in danger of disappearing to your pain. Its scary because maybe just maybe you really aren't worth saving. These thoughts compound the pain and the pressure is on to release yourself from this madness.

You know what ever it is that you do at these times. I will not glorify any action that hurts yourself and others. So just fill in the blank with what ever it is that you do. YOU WANT TO DO THAT SO BAD to make sense of the hurt and pain. However you know you're not supposed to. You can really die from this or damage yourself to a point beyond repair. Part of you cares and begs you not to and the other part is almost done convincing your whole self to do it. Good angel and bad angel. You also know how you feel when you do that which urges you. Sometimes the remorse or shame hit ya like a brick wall almost instantly and then there are time when whatever it is you've done feels good for a few moments and then you begin to realize the full extent to what you've done.

Either way after succumbing to dangerous urges the release of pain and its pressure is enough to get you by for a length of time. But still you know its gonna be back. And you sit and you wait hiding under blankets until they are back.

NOW lets look at the same scenario and autopsy from a different angle shall we?

Your in bed feeling crappy... so you give yourself a time limit to feel crappy (a coping skill acknowledging the feeling), you tell yourself "It's okay to feel crappy, it happens to the best of people" (woa another coping skill positive self talk). After brushing your teeth and so on and so forth ( self care Again another coping skill) you feel a little more human. On the internet, you see your ex. Nasty feeling well up again---breath in deep, close your eyes and focus on your own heart beat and deep breaths (COPING SKILL). If you must gawk at the pictures--- actually I recommend dont but on occasion I do it too. I feel crappy after I do tooo. So then I take time to self soothe... its my version of giving and receiving a hug. I do it by eating a bit of my favorite candy or spraying my fave perfume to bring my senses into the moment (coping coping coping skill)

Normally that's enough to bring me into the moment and feel the urge subside. BUT there are times when that urge is purtty darn strong. It's more like a hurricane charging in. These urges take much more than just me to handle. Dr's and Therapist- your circle of friends, medication maybe needed.

But the most important aspect of urge surfing is to know that just as waves come in and out---up and down---RIDE EM OUT. Don't try and fight them or join in on them. Don't follow Bugs Bunny's advice "If ya cant beat em join em." Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe.

IT's Okay To Have Urges!!!! It's Not Okay To Deal With Them In A Unhealthy Manner That Hurts You and Those Around You.